So I had my base line ultrasound appointment. I got a few answers, but not many. The most information actually came from my comments, so thanks ladies!!! You're more knowledgeable than a RE. Or at least better at sharing info. I also asked her if we tested for Natural Killer cells when we discovered the blood clotting issues back in April. She said she doesn't test for NK cells, that there's not enough scientific evidence to support the theory that it causes implantation issues. I'm not 100% sure I buy that.

What she did say was she expects me to get a positive HCG in the next 3 months and that if it doesn't implant there's nothing else we can do. I hate that I'm to the point that I can expect positive HCG's and not positive pregnancy tests. In my little world, there is a difference.

So that's it. 3 more months of drugs and then I'm done. IVF won't help me. This scares me to death. I don't think I'll be ready to give up in 3 months. I will be happy to move forward with a gestational carrier at that point. Next summer I want to have a BABY, not trying to figure out how to get one. (Have I said that before??? I think I have.) If it comes down to this, not only will we be working towards getting my fertilized eggs into my sister, I'll also be trying to get an appointment with an RE that works with the hardest cases and tries the most experimental procedures. If anyone has any recommendations, please let me know. I'm planning on starting my search now because it can take months to get appointments with these Dr's. I don't care where it is. I'll travel as far as I need to.

I did have 6 follicles this morning all around 10 mm's and my estradiol was 168. Not bad for 3 days of injections. I start the Ganirelix for suppression tomorrow, have another monitoring appointment Wednesday and we're tentatively scheduled to trigger Wednesday with the IUI on Friday morning. I'm trying to be positive about this cycle but I just don't know if I can get my hopes up. Right now I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

Thank you all for the lovely comments and support during this time. Some days I feel like I'm going to lose it. Having bloggy friends helps keep me sane. I'm somewhat better today but Friday and the weekend were pretty bad. The bitterness in me runs deep and I don't know if it will ever go away. It was so bad that I lost my temper with my husband, which I NEVER do. We decided a long time ago that we refuse to fight. That was before IF.

So today is cycle day 1 and I go in tomorrow for my base line ultrasound and bloodwork. On Friday, I placed a call to the Dr's office and left a message that I wanted to speak to the DOC (not the nurse) on why an all injectible cycle is going to make a difference. I need to hear some medical advice/opinion as to why that would keep me from miscarrying again or having another chemical pregnancy. I know there are no guarantees, but I need a good solid reason to keep trying. Because I didn't think I could go through a third loss, much a less another one after this.

But the Dr. didn't call, the nurse did. And she kinda acted like I couldn't talk to the Dr. The only answer I got was the Dr. thinks I have implantation problems and all injectibles will help with implantation by my making my lining fluffier. Of course, Dr. Google has no information on this whatsoever. I'm sure part of that is because very few people get to this point, so they are no message boards that discuss it.

Also, every time I have an appointment, I have questions (I save them up and write them down) but sometimes I feel like cattle being rushed through the office. Don't get me wrong. I love my Dr. and the girls in her office, they have all been wonderful. But sometimes I need more information. Am I being unreasonable here? Is it to much to ask to want to speak with the Dr? To know why I should keep going? And does anyone know anything about the advantages of an all injectible cycle and how this will help the pregnancy implant? Hopefully I will get more answers from the Dr. tomorrow and I'm hoping it brings me some peace. I don't want to give up on having it myself, but this time next summer I want a BABY. I don't want to be trying to figure out how to get one.

I read that the odds of three losses is 0.16%. I have now joined that number. Second beta was 22. Chemical pregnancy. I am in shock. It seems completely unbelievable. I wonder if it is even worth continuing to try. The Dr. said I need to move to all injectibles next cycle to help with implantation problems, but I don't have the energy to Google what all that means. Having a baby of my own, that I conceive, carry and deliver seems farther away than ever.

The drama continues over here. My beta was positive, but the number was marginal. When my nurse called she said you’re pregnant, and your number is OK. It’s 29. She said it doesn’t mean something bad is going to happen. (That's a direct quote). Of course I cried. I reminded her that last time she told me they like for it to be 50. She said they do, but 29 doesn’t mean it isn’t viable. When I’m holding a screaming baby, then I’ll believe it. Not a second before.

Nothing to do but keep taking the (pink) prometriums. Great, now I can continue to analyze the toilet paper. Did anyone find a place to buy black toilet paper?? I’m to continue the heparin injections and come back on Thursday for a repeat beta and hope it doubled. She said it needs to be at least 58. Prayers requested please!!! Stick baby stick.

If you know me IRL please don’t tell anyone or post anything on Facebook. We’ve told a very few people but we’re not announcing until the ultrasound.

I ordered my Prometrium from my mail order pharmacy this time around. When they came, instead of being yellow the tablets are pink. This is NOT good. They leave traces of pink in undies and on tp. Then that has to be analyzed and worried over. Not good for the 2WW when every symptom sends me running for Dr. Google. I can’t imagine how it would be if I ever DID get pregnant what with having to take them during the first trimester. With 2 miscarriages under my belt, every little trace would make me worry. I guess that mean black undies from here on out. Does anyone know where I can get black toilet paper?

I went and had my blood drawn for my beta this morning. I haven’t POAS and I don’t plan to every again. Usually I’m pretty upbeat and talkative when I go into the Dr’s office, but this morning it was all I could do not to cry so I didn’t talk at all. They probably thought I was being snotty. I just didn’t want to go. I have no desire to be stuck again just so they can tell me I’m not pregnant. Hopefully they’ll call soon and I can quit taking the pink Prometrium.

Last night I had a meltdown in anticipation of the next BFN on Tuesday. I know I should be optimistic, but I am just tired of getting excited every month and then having a huge crushing let down. Plus, I know chances are slim because I got my "week before AF" zit. I only get a zit the week before my period starts. Hubby keeps telling me it doesn't mean anything, but I know my body. Then I read that one of my bloggy friends got some bad news on her injectible cycle and I got even tireder (is that a word?). Please go and give Blondie some love for her canceled IUI cycle. I don't understand why all these lovely people have to go through this.

I went on and on about how tired I am, how I can't do this anymore, how I'm at the end of my rope. Every month hubby says one more month. Enough! I'm ready to move on to my sister being a gestational carrier. If that doesn't work on the first try, I'll be ready for her to be the surrogate. I did talk briefly with my Dr about all this and she said that was 50 steps down the road and she went into a little about the requirements. Apparently I can't just choose to use my sister, we have to have FDA approval. WHAT???? If I want to use her and she's willing why should the government be involved? When I heard all this I was ready to use a home kit to inseminate her. Sure we'd have to jump through some legal hoops after the fact, but I know my sister would give me the baby and hubs is an attorney so surely we could navigate those waters relatively easily.

I DO have some positive post I need to do on the wedding I was in back in May, our trip to Biloxi while visiting Chris' grandparents, the cruise we booked for our anniversary, but I just can't seem to find the energy. We're supposed to go the lake house in 2 weeks with some friends from high school that I recently reconnected with if my cycle doesn't get in the way. I am so tired of scheduling things around my cycle. There's that word again. TIRED. People who complain about being tired with a new baby have no idea. The exhaustion that comes with IF is debilitating and there's no joy to go along with it. Sigh...................

We're headed out to get new tires for hubs car. After having a flat last week he has to get 4 new tires so they all match. He can't drive a car with mismatched tires! ha! Everyone have a great weekend.

Chris & I had a great trip to southern Mississippi for a little R&R and to visit with his grandparents who live in an assisted living home. I'm constantly complaining that everywhere I go people are pregnant, but it never occurred to me that I would run into them at the nursing home. I felt relatively safe going in. As it turns out, one of grandpa's nurses is pregnant. With her 3rd child, all with different fathers (and this guy isn't even around anymore), with a baby she didn't plan for or really want. That was hard to see and be around.

Sometimes I really struggle with the unfairness of the world. We are completely in love. We can afford children. We have a lovely house with 3 empty bedrooms and 2 empty rooms that can be playrooms. We have insurance. We can afford to save money for college. I can quit my job to be with them, but if I don't we're surrounded by family and friends who are willing to help so they would never have to go to daycare.

But we can't get pregnant and stay pregnant. A good friend joked that we need to get fired from out jobs, have our house foreclosed on, and get divorced and THEN we would get pregnant. I'm beginning to think she's right, but I'm not willing to try that strategy. YET.

We're actually almost halfway through this cycle. AF arrived while we were on vacation and I started the Femara last Sunday and did my first Bravelle injection yesterday. Had the ultrasound Friday and we saw two really good eggs (14mm) and one that might be big enough in time. We go tomorrow morning for another ultrasound and the Dr is thinking we will trigger tomorrow night and the IUI will be Tuesday morning.

This is the last IUI insurance will pay for. However, I found out that means the insemination only, drugs would still be covered. I realized yesterday how lucky I really am. There was a couple in the Dr's office that was talking to the receptionist about ordering their first injectible cycle. It's $600 for a 1 month supply of Bravelle. With my insurance, a 3 month supply is $40. That's it. When I do get pregnant I am definitely going to donate any left over drugs to my RE's office for couple's with no insurance coverage.

Well that's enough whining for one day. Hope everyone has a great weekend!!

P.S. Why does "injectible" not show up with any suggestions in spell check? Is it that unique of a word?