First, my beta. It was positive. Numbers were good this time. HCG was 90, progesterone 31. Go back in 2 days to see if it's doubling. I'm trying to be hopeful and optimistic, but I'm also terrified and afraid to get attached or excited. Symptoms seems to come and go. Last night I would have sworn I was pregnant, this morning, I didn't feel a thing. I'm still taking the PIO and heparin shots, but that's OK with me.

Here's hoping pregnancy #4 turns into baby #1.

Also, on the hunt to find a reproductive immunologist closer than Chicago, on Friday I decided to call my regular OB/GYN and ask if he knew anyone. He immediately knew what I was referring to. He started asking me about all sorts of tests and levels. There was only one thing on my list he hadn't heard of. His office scheduled me an appointment with a perinatalogist for next week. I called him back today after the positive beta to see if I should keep the appointment. We went over all the medications I'm taking and although he thinks I'm doing everything I can, he wants me to keep the appointment. He was also optimistic about me staying pregnant. Although 3 losses in a row is not good, it could simply be chalked up to bad luck. Regardless he's always positive and upbeat and I need that right now.

If you know me IRL, please don't say anything. I'm sure that goes without saying. In this stage of the game, we're not announcing for a good long while and we feel more comfortable that this will work. I'm praying this one sticks.

I know I've been quiet the last week or so. I was out of town for a bit and to be perfectly honest, I'm just in a funk right now. If my first pregnancy had worked out, I would have a one year old right now. If my second one had worked out, I would have a one year old and be 7 months pregnant. I have a friend that is in this situation almost to the exact same days and it just doesn't seem right.

I overreacted about the PIO shots. That first one was sore the day after, but the shots themselves never hurt. The soreness in my right hip faded rather quickly and none of the other injection sites have been sore at all. I'm not lumpy either. I asked the nurse when I went in for my progesterone test (31 btw, but still have to take the shots) if we were doing it wrong since it didn't hurt and they asked me if ANYTHING hurt me. YES! Yes things hurt. But they are all emotional pains. I grieve everyday for what I've lost - babies, time, innocence, money.

So many days I think this is it, I can't take another day of this. But then I reflect back on this time last year, when the first RE told me I had a 1% chance of getting pregnant without IVF, when I found out someone who's not very nice to me was pregnant and going to use my favorite baby name. Back then I thought I was at the end of my rope. And here I am 1 year later, 2 more losses and still not pregnant. It scares me to death to think of what I might still have to go through. Or what I might not ever get to go through.

I made an appointment with the Dr in Chicago about testing for NK cells and other immunological issues. Chicago is pretty far from me so I have been desperately searching for a Dr closer. We have a teaching hospital here so you would think I could find someone who could at least do the tests. I've also searched Nashville, but no luck there either. What really amazes me is the number of times I've talked to the receptionist, explained what I wanted and was promised a call back and yet never been called back. I find that just plain bad business. If you say you'll call me back, at least call, even if the answer is no.

My beta is Monday, but I'm not getting my hopes up. Just trying to ride out the 2ww and so far I've managed to blame all my (phantom) symptoms on the PIO shots and not think that this one could work.

Or hunger. Cause I'm starving today. Actually I've been super hungry this whole cycle since starting the Bravelle injections. I mean let's face it, I can always eat, but it's usually controllable. I googled it, but increased appetite doesn't seem to be listed as a side affect. My whole diet has been blown out of the water the last 2 weeks. Dare I hope that I've maintained and not gained anything back? Maybe I should get on a scale tomorrow.

I started the PIO injections last night and I was scared to death all day yesterday. I'm not really squeamish when it comes to needles and so far I haven't had any bad experiences with the injectible meds. But I've read that these injections are painful, plus the Dr told us they would be bad. For the record, don't tell me bad things in advance. I heated up a washcloth and I got my frozen can of daiquiri out to ice the site. I was so impatient to get it over with I couldn't even wait for the cold to numb me and I had Chris go ahead and stick me. Nothing. It didn't hurt one little bit. I barely even felt a pinch when he stuck me and there was no sensation of the meds going in. Great! I'm so fabulous, even PIO shots don't hurt me. I am one tough infertile chic.

Then, this morning, I roll over before getting up and I almost come out of the bed my right hip is so sore. Not so fabulous. That must be what all the fuss has been about. I wasn't nervous about getting the shot tonight in the other hip, but now I'm just a tad worried about tomorrow night when we get to re shoot the hip that's already sore.

Anywho, enough of the fun and sexy times at Casa Beavs. Hubby's sister is in town from Hawaii so we'll be heading to see her and some more of his family this weekend. I like it when I have things to do during the 2WW that distract me.

Seems like the boards have been really quiet the last week or so. I would really like to hear some good news and BFP's. As I'm sure we all would. It used to really bother me when I would see a BFP on some one's blog, but these days it bothers me when I don't see them. I'm not sure if that's progress or not because it's still all about me. I want to see them because if I do then I can feel better that I'll see one on my own HPT one day. One that sticks.

This cycle seems to be dragging. My eggs were "pokey" (Dr's words). Last Sunday I had 6, 3 on each side all around 10mm. Wednesday, lefties were the same size, two 13mm and one 12mm on the right. Friday, no changes on the left, two 14 mm, one 13mm on the right. The Dr. didn't seem too worried since I'm taking Ganirelix to block ovulation. Bravelle was increased to 2 vials twice per day and I triggered last night. It is exciting that I won't have to have any shots for the next 2 days. Not to worry though. I start them back up with heparin on Tuesday.

I'm not sure if I should be worried about this cycle or not. This time the IUI will be on day 15. In the past it has always been day 11 or 12 but my eggs grew faster. Is this good or bad? I've always wondered if my eggs didn't get mature enough and even though they were fertilizing they weren't good quality. But now that they've had more time, they're still not bigger. I hate not knowing what's going on in there. Anyone else ever have slow growing eggs with all injectibles?

I got a big shock this week when I ordered my meds for next month. I was told that I don't have a drug limit. I do indeed have a limit and I've already exceeded it. The cost for next month's meds would have been $3700. WHOA. I know I can order them from overseas for less, but it still changes things in a big way. Luckily I still have about 40 vials, I've just been ordering ahead so I never got in a position where I ran out. Now we need to think very carefully about how we're going to proceed each cycle since we're now paying for the IUI AND the drugs to the tune of about $1400 a pop.

I did make an appointment with a reproductive immunologist for mid September. You have to go to their office for the first appointment, but after that they'll work with your local RE. However, I found out my Dr. won't work with them because she thinks it's "bad medicine". So if they do find anything and we want to pursue the treatments, I'll be searching for a new Dr.

So for now, I'm trying to "relax" and just count down the days until we leave for our cruise. Which just happens to be exactly 2 months from today. I really hope I have good news before we go.

So I had my base line ultrasound appointment. I got a few answers, but not many. The most information actually came from my comments, so thanks ladies!!! You're more knowledgeable than a RE. Or at least better at sharing info. I also asked her if we tested for Natural Killer cells when we discovered the blood clotting issues back in April. She said she doesn't test for NK cells, that there's not enough scientific evidence to support the theory that it causes implantation issues. I'm not 100% sure I buy that.

What she did say was she expects me to get a positive HCG in the next 3 months and that if it doesn't implant there's nothing else we can do. I hate that I'm to the point that I can expect positive HCG's and not positive pregnancy tests. In my little world, there is a difference.

So that's it. 3 more months of drugs and then I'm done. IVF won't help me. This scares me to death. I don't think I'll be ready to give up in 3 months. I will be happy to move forward with a gestational carrier at that point. Next summer I want to have a BABY, not trying to figure out how to get one. (Have I said that before??? I think I have.) If it comes down to this, not only will we be working towards getting my fertilized eggs into my sister, I'll also be trying to get an appointment with an RE that works with the hardest cases and tries the most experimental procedures. If anyone has any recommendations, please let me know. I'm planning on starting my search now because it can take months to get appointments with these Dr's. I don't care where it is. I'll travel as far as I need to.

I did have 6 follicles this morning all around 10 mm's and my estradiol was 168. Not bad for 3 days of injections. I start the Ganirelix for suppression tomorrow, have another monitoring appointment Wednesday and we're tentatively scheduled to trigger Wednesday with the IUI on Friday morning. I'm trying to be positive about this cycle but I just don't know if I can get my hopes up. Right now I'm just trying to take it one day at a time.

Thank you all for the lovely comments and support during this time. Some days I feel like I'm going to lose it. Having bloggy friends helps keep me sane. I'm somewhat better today but Friday and the weekend were pretty bad. The bitterness in me runs deep and I don't know if it will ever go away. It was so bad that I lost my temper with my husband, which I NEVER do. We decided a long time ago that we refuse to fight. That was before IF.

So today is cycle day 1 and I go in tomorrow for my base line ultrasound and bloodwork. On Friday, I placed a call to the Dr's office and left a message that I wanted to speak to the DOC (not the nurse) on why an all injectible cycle is going to make a difference. I need to hear some medical advice/opinion as to why that would keep me from miscarrying again or having another chemical pregnancy. I know there are no guarantees, but I need a good solid reason to keep trying. Because I didn't think I could go through a third loss, much a less another one after this.

But the Dr. didn't call, the nurse did. And she kinda acted like I couldn't talk to the Dr. The only answer I got was the Dr. thinks I have implantation problems and all injectibles will help with implantation by my making my lining fluffier. Of course, Dr. Google has no information on this whatsoever. I'm sure part of that is because very few people get to this point, so they are no message boards that discuss it.

Also, every time I have an appointment, I have questions (I save them up and write them down) but sometimes I feel like cattle being rushed through the office. Don't get me wrong. I love my Dr. and the girls in her office, they have all been wonderful. But sometimes I need more information. Am I being unreasonable here? Is it to much to ask to want to speak with the Dr? To know why I should keep going? And does anyone know anything about the advantages of an all injectible cycle and how this will help the pregnancy implant? Hopefully I will get more answers from the Dr. tomorrow and I'm hoping it brings me some peace. I don't want to give up on having it myself, but this time next summer I want a BABY. I don't want to be trying to figure out how to get one.

I read that the odds of three losses is 0.16%. I have now joined that number. Second beta was 22. Chemical pregnancy. I am in shock. It seems completely unbelievable. I wonder if it is even worth continuing to try. The Dr. said I need to move to all injectibles next cycle to help with implantation problems, but I don't have the energy to Google what all that means. Having a baby of my own, that I conceive, carry and deliver seems farther away than ever.