Sorry I haven't posted in a while. Everything is going great. Since we had our last scare I've been able to see the baby on ultrasound twice. The heart was beating away, the baby was growing right on schedule each time, and no more spotting. I went to San Francisco as planned and had a great time. I felt good and I wasn't to tired. I did go to bed at 7:30 Pacific time the first night.

The weirdest thing happened though. I haven't had an official "morning sickness", but I didn't expect to since I haven't thrown up in 20 years (I refuse to do it). But I have been feeling kinda queasy and not really wanting any food. Especially if I have to cook it. It's all just kinda gross and my stomach is unsettled for lack of a better word. When I was in San Fran I didn't feel weird or gross one single time. I think it's because I ate on a more regular schedule and I had the food served to me. I really wish I had that here.

On a sad note, my 90 year old Grandaddy died yesterday. He was a farmer until just a few years ago and as kids my sister and I and two cousins followed him around when he fed the pigs, chickens and cows. He took us for rides on his tractor, took us fishing, and we rode in his truck to Uncle Luther's country store for bottled Coke and Zero bars. I have so many wonderful memories of him. He had really deteriorated in the last few months and about a month ago he had to be put in a nursing home, which he did NOT want. He wanted to die on the property where he was born and lived his whole life, but it just wasn't meant to be. He was pretty miserable the last few weeks so we know he is in a better place, but it's hard to let him go. I hate that he will never see my children and they will never know him. My sisters kids are all so lucky because they knew him and got to ride on his tractor.

We are heading to the funeral in West Tennessee and will be seeing family we haven't seen in a long time. There are some tensions there, with one cousin in particular, so I'm a bit nervous, but I don't want to miss this. You don't get do overs on funerals. Luckily Chris worked it out so he can come with me, which was hard since we are leaving for our cruise next Thursday and work is crazy for him.

We get to take another peak at the baby next Wednesday before we go out of the country. My Dr is wonderful and said come in whenever I need to and I'm trying not to take advantage of that. But I will feel better about being on a ship with no great medical personnel if I know the baby is fine before we go. I'm starting to get used to this being pregnant and I'm feeling like it might actually work out, so for now I'm pretending to be any normal pregnant girl. Hopefully it will get easier everyday until I actually AM normal.

We had another scare. Last night, after Chris telling both sets of his grandparents and me blasting it to the world on Facebook, I started bleeding again. Red. The Dr said I might because there was a small bleed next to the placenta where it implanted, but he thought it would be brown. I also passed a small clot. Even Chris was really freaked out and he is usually my calm in the midst of a storm.

Last night we had a scare. I had a tiny bit of spotting. Of course I freaked out. I called the Dr this morning and she had me come in immediately. Luckily the timing was perfect. Chris had just finished up in court and was able to meet me. We saw the baby right away with it's little heart just beating away. One beautiful baby. I'm relieved there's only one although Chris was hoping for two.

We are over the moon excited!!!!!!!

We measured at 6 weeks 6 days which is right on track. Due date 5/10/2011. I am officially graduated from the RE. I told them I would miss them and they were like yeah, right! and gave me hugs. As much as I hate that I had to go there, everyone in the office was wonderful and if I had to go through it, I'm glad it was with them.

I haven't had any more spotting, it was just that one time. The Dr said it is totally normal and implantation bleeding can happen up to 10 weeks. Personally, I think my cervix was irritated. According to Dr Google, it's common after sex in the first trimester. The Dr didn't limit anything, but I have no desire to see any more red for the next 8 months. I was so hoping everything would just go smooth with no scares this time, but I guess that is just too much to ask.

We still have a few people to tell, but Chris did tell his Dad. I decided I could go ahead and put up the ticker. I can't believe this is happening.

Thank you to everyone for leaving me so many nice comments. It means so much that you can do that when you are still in the midst of your own battles. I didn't think I would feel this way, but I feel guilty. And I wish everyone was right here with me. And I hope everyone will be very soon.

How many betas can one person have? I don't believe I've seen another post with that title, but I'm sure someone else has been through this same torture before.

Beta today was 29,491. They didn't tell me my progesterone level and I forgot to ask. The Dr didn't say what she wanted the beta number to be but she said mine was good and everything looks great. By my calculations the number should have been at least 25,000.

First ultrasound is still next Wednesday.

I pretty much have no symptoms. Some food aversions and occasionaly I'll eat something and it makes me want to gag. But just gag, I've been no where close to throwing up. But then, I problaby won't. (Not trying to jinx myself here.) But I have emetaphobia and haven't throw up in 20 years, even when I had food poisoning. I guess I've been tired, but that's not really that unusual.

I'm still not ready to put up the ticker, but I am starting to get excited and feel like this might actually happen. Me, with a baby. WOW.

Not a very interesting blog title, but it gets the job done.

I've been living the last week in a pretty positive upbeat mood most of the time. I've had a few moments, but generally excited. Today I was TERRIFIED they would call and say my hcg didn't go up, or it fell, or it's not high enough. I'm not sure why I set a "goal" for myself, but I kept saying if it's 2500 I'll be happy.

Beta #3 was 4150. WAY more than doubled. The Dr. herself called me, not the nurse. She actually said she was "very happy" with the way things looked. The ultrasound can't come soon enough for me, but it's 2 weeks away. Next week I go for one more blood draw then the next week I will have an ultrasound at the RE's office and go to my regular OB on the same day. Not sure why they do it that way, but if I get to see the baby twice in one day, who am I to complain.

I did go see a perinatalogist and genetic counselor this morning and it was an interesting appointment to say the least. The waiting room was like a redneck convention. Everyone in there reeked of cigarette smoke and it was so frustrating to see all these pregnant women who are "high risk" because of their bad choices. I ended up waiting out in the hall. Mostly because the only chair available when I sat down was next to someone who smelled so strongly of cigarette smoke I almost gagged.

I didn't really care for the genetic counselor. She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know and when I told her I was there because I wanted to test for NK cells she said they wouldn't do any of the treatments anyways. She also gave me a lecture on getting screenings during a "high risk" pregnancy like mine. I didn't really need a lecture this morning.

The Dr was sooo very nice though. I told him what I was looking for and he told me he doesn't test for NK cells anymore, hasn't for 7 years. BUT he said that after what I've been through, he can understand why I would be looking for answers and if I go to the Dr. in Chicago, he will work with her to administer any treatment. English was not his first language so the way he said things was so much funnier than I can describe, but he basically said, you're an intelligent girl, who I am to say no, I haven't walked in your shoes. There was more to it than that and a lot of technical stuff, but that was the gist of it. Then he gave me this giant bear hug. When I went out he was in the lobby passing out candy to the little kids waiting with their Mom's. Such a compassionate man. For now I am putting Chicago on hold and just waiting to see how things progress.

Oh, and I really want to get one of those little baby tickers, but it feels so soon. I would hate to have to take it down.

Yesterday I felt so good, still scared, but positive. I told myself I was going to just enjoy the next week and pretend like I'm pregnant and everything is normal.

Yeah Right.

My one and only symptom, sore boobs, is completely gone. Doesn't matter that it all faded Tuesday night before we even got beta #2's results. It just doesn't feel right. I know it's probably all in my head and means absolutely nothing, but it worries me. Of course I consulted Dr. Google and according to him it's completely normal for symptoms to come and go. The part that bothers me is they're no longer coming, all they did was go.

Why is that people who've been through infertility think they'll jinx themselves if they tell anyone? I'm sure the two have absolutely no connection. I told a couple of people at work. (I work remotely, so I never see any of these people, but I have a couple of "instant messaging" friendships and since they new I was cycling I told them) Now I'm completely sure I jinxed myself.

I surprised myself with my reluctance to comment on other people's blogs. I never understood why other people said they were uncomfortable with this. But as a "technically" pregnant person, I don't want to upset them by commenting on their posts and I feel like I have zero right to give my opinion.

Tomorrow I will probably be positive. I hope so, cause it's way more fun.

Thank you all for the lovely comments and thoughts. I have spent the last 2 days in abject fear. I would get excited for a few minutes and then I would go back to panic and tears.

For the first time ever I got a beta that doubled. Beta #2 is 209!!!!!!

I don't have to go back for a week, although I would prefer for them to check it EVERYDAY. I am oh so grateful and relieved. But still scared to death. Hubs said we'll be scared the whole 9 months (oh if only!) and then the real worry will begin.

I was the only person at the Dr's office this morning so they called really early with the results. I was getting a pedicure and I immediately burst into tears. My poor manicurist was working on an ingrown toenail and thought she had hurt me. The owners are a super sweet couple and I've been going there forever, so they were so excited when I told them what it was all about. But truly embarrassing for me. Plus my manicurist found out before my husband. Oh well, we all know in IF nothing is perfect.

We're still not telling IRL. Of course my parents and sister know, and my mother in law because they keep up with my cycles, but I want to wait to announce until I feel more sure, like maybe 2 weeks before it's born. Would that be too early?