I had my blood drawn this morning and the nurse just called me to let me know it was negative. No surprise there. I was pretty sure it was a no go this month when I had a HUGE zit pop up a few days ago. I get one zit a month and it's always a few days before AF. The last two pregnancies the one thing that was consistent was I did not have a break out. It's basically like double the fun, not only am I NOT pregnant, AF will be visiting while we're on vacation. Good Times.

It's a good thing I planned ahead. I'm all ready with my Femara for days 3-8, some of which will be while we're out of town. Kinda disappointed that we can't move on to an all injectibles cycle since this is our last IUI covered by insurance. So I really hope this next month is it and the mixed cycle works again.

I'm be MIA for the next few days or so. You can think of me lying on the oily beach. The news said it hit Mississippi just a few days ago. Everyone have a great week!

I got my progesterone checked yesterday. While I was there I had the nurse look at my stomach. I was getting a little worried because it's gotten so bruised. It's yellow and purple with dots from the heparin injections and it's getting red around the edges. Nurse says it's totally normal. So my question was, where else can I shoot myself so I won't have a bruised up baby bump? Apparently anywhere there is fat to pinch works. So that means pretty much anywhere on me. Except maybe my calves. I'm always pretty happy with my calves. That's why I have so many shoes. No matter if I have to wear a mumu, it can be knee length with sexy shoes. But I digress.

Nurse called later in the day and told me my progesterone was "really good". 19. To me that seems low. It has always been in the 30's or 40's and one time it was even 79. But she assured me they only want it to be 15 and said this is a "good" cycle. Of course I have to continue taking the prometrium suppositories, but I already knew that. Sometimes I even wonder why we bother testing progesterone. No matter what the number is they say keep taking them.

Next Tuesday is my beta. The same exact day that we leave for Mississippi. That means if it's negative, cycle day 1 will be while we're out of town. I wanted to have a plan in place just in case. No wasted cycles for me, thank you very much! Nurse told me if this cycle didn't work, we would move on to an all injectibles cycle. BUT, you have to have a base line ultrasound on day 1 or 2 to make sure there aren't any cysts. On days 1 & 2 I'll be in another state. Looks like if this one is a no go we'll be doing another mixed cycle. I'm a little disappointed because insurance only pays for one more IUI (we wasted 3 with Dr. Useless and only get 6 total) and if we had to do another one I wanted to be more aggressive.

Don't get me wrong, I am still hopeful about this cycle and considering myself pregnant until proven otherwise.

P.S. Does anyone else find themselves having to edit their posts to remove SO from every sentence?

Is it just me or is anyone else embarrassed that it's not easy to get pregnant? When I got my first BFP when we'd only been married 2 months, I was so excited and I admit I was a little bit smug. We didn't tell everyone or blast it all over Facebook or anything, but we did tell our families and our closest friends. Chris was the one who was hesitant about telling everyone too soon, saying lots of things could go wrong in the first trimester. I was in total denial. It never occurred to me that anything would happen. I was basically just humoring him because it was what he wanted.

Then I had the miscarriage, and I was pretty open about it. So lots of people knew. And it was amazing how many people "came out" and said they'd had one of those, and don't worry it will happen again, it won't take long, blah, blah, blah. And now I sit here, 17 months later, no baby, not even pregnant. And I'm embarrassed. That I'm broken. That something that comes so naturally to some people that it happens "accidentally" can't happen for me with tons of medical intervention. (I still don't believe in accidental pregnancies, but that's an entirely different post.) That most everyone who started trying around the time we did, not only has a baby, but many are on their way to a second. That I seem to be the last of infertiles still waiting.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel very confident about this cycle. And I know I'll get to have a baby someday. Because we have a Plan B. My sister is willing to donate her eggs for me to carry, be a surrogate for our embryos, or do IUI with hubbies sperm, her eggs and carry it for us. But even that embarrasses me. I want to be the one to be pregnant. I want to experience all the things carrying a baby brings. I even want to be the one to experience birth. It's a natural thing, and I don't understand why I can't do it.

My Dad has always told me that I can do anything I want to do if I just put my mind to it. And I've always believed him. So it comes as quite a shock that I can't in fact do ANYTHING. No matter how much I want it, I can't make this happen. And I'm embarrassed.

That's my current attitude. The IUI went well. We had 46 million sperm post wash. Excellent according to Dr. H. But they always say that about hubbie's sperm count. Lack of sperm is not our problem. It's all me. We're pretty sure we hit the ovulation day and time almost exactly. I actually felt the ovulation pains as we were eating breakfast waiting for the sample to be processed.

I started the heparin on Wednesday. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to give myself the shots. It just doesn't seem natural to poke myself with a sharp object. It turned out to be easy peasy. I still have Chris give it to me if he's home, which he always is. I know times will come when I have to give it to myself though, so I'm glad I did it. Once.

So until further notice I am considering myself knocked up. A girl can dream.

I had my ultrasound yesterday and I have at least 3 eggs. 1 small one on the left ovary and at least 2 on the right. My right ovary is shy and always hides from the ultrasound wand, but after some digging around and pushing on my belly she saw at least two. 1 was 13 mm the other was 14mm. It's a little early in my cycle as it was only Day 9, but she seemed pleased with my progress. My lining is already at 8.6 and has a stripe. Whatever that means. I've never had anyone mention my lining at an ultrasound before. I'll be spending some time with my good friend google later to gather more info on uterine linings.

She wanted to recheck me before she decides when to trigger. I go back Sunday morning to check my little eggies. So probably trigger Sunday or Monday night and have the IUI Tuesday or Wednesday morning. I don't think we actually need to do the IUI but since it increases your chances and insurance pays for it we're going to go ahead. I'm still grieving that my babies will not be conceived the old fashioned way, but I keep trying to remind myself to be grateful that we have medical technology that can treat infertility. 100 years ago and I probably would have just been called barren.

I have one more shot of Bravelle and we have a dinner tonight at 6. The shot needs to be given around 7. I've already decided I will just get it all drawn up and take it with me and then hubs can give it to me in the bathroom. I don't think anyone will notice. At least that's what I'm hoping. But oh well if they do.

On a fun note, I noticed yesterday out my office window that 2 birds kept going into and out of this bush by the front porch. I went to investigate and there's a little nest with 3 tiny tiny newly hatched birds. I can wait for the momma to fly out and then go over and move the branch to wiggle the bush and all 3 of them pop up with their mouths open. It is the cutest thing and I love having these beautiful, tiny little things to watch grow. It makes me yearn for the day when my little baby will be looking at me with it's mouth open begging for me to feed it. Doesn't that sound idyllic? It'll probably be more of a red, angry little fella screaming his head of cause I don't feed him fast enough! hahaha! I can't wait!

Finally!! For the second time this year, we're going to get to try again. My husband reminded me that the only other time we tried this year it worked. Sort of. I will consider it "worked" when I'm holding my little baby in my arms.


Cycle Day 1 was Thursday. We're doing the exact same protocol from February when we got a BFP. I started Femara today for day's 3, 4, 5, 6, & 7. Then the shots (Letrozole I think) are days 8, 9, and 10. I have my ultrasound on day 9, Friday the 11th. The Dr. will tell me when to trigger based on egg size that day, but I'm guessing the IUI will be on Tuesday the 15th or cycle day 13. I ordered the heparin shots yesterday and my nurse said Dr. H would tell me at the ultrasound when to start those, probably 3 days after ovulation. I'm assuming I'll be doing the prometrium suppositories again this month, although they did mention PIO after my last miscarriage. I guess that would make the beta around June 29th or so.


I have a lot of hope for this cycle. The Dr. told Chris I was "uber" fertile for the next few months. Uber fertile people get pregnant on the first cycle, right? I've lost a total of 15 lbs from the no carb diet. From what I've read even a 5% loss of body mass can improve hormone levels and help with egg development, which hopefully equals good viable eggs.

A March baby would be perfect for a couple of reasons. Yes, I did go on baby center and figure out an estimated due date for this cycle. I just can't stop myself. Being big and pregnant in the late winter, early spring when it's not too hot sounds about right to me. Pregnant enough over Christmas, when you see extended family, to look pregnant and not just fat (I hope). A spring baby means I will have almost the entire summer off (if I don't "retire" all together). And the most important reason - my sister's babies are all spring, early summer babies and she has TONS, I mean tons, of clothes that she saved. I think she said something like 20 tubs of stuff or something like that. I don't think I would need to buy a single thing. Of course I probably will. Having things has never kept me from buying more, although I am trying to get better about that.

Chris's Grandpa is not doing well and they think he might not have a lot of time left, so we planned a mini trip to go see them over the 4th of July weekend. We're leaving on Tuesday after we get off work, the day of the beta. If it's positive, then we'll have to wait a whole week to find out if levels are increasing properly. That makes me a bit nervous, but whether they are or not, there's nothing I can do about it (medically speaking) so I guess it doesn't matter if we wait a week. If I get a BFP, I will try to just be happy that I am pregnant for the whole week we are gone and worry about HSG levels rising when we get back.

On a side note, I got my garden planted yesterday and I can't wait for fresh tomatoes. I waited so long to plant them this year that I had to buy bigger, more expensive plants in order to have fruit sooner. But I keep telling Chris, it's not about saving money, it's about great tasting tomatoes (and peppers, zucchini and squash)!

I have to run, I'm helping with another wedding today, but I'm glad to have things to distract me. I think I need to go ahead and plan some distractions for the 2WW. Those weeks are the hardest for me and I swore I would never POAS ever again!!!!

All in 2 weeks.

The surgery went well. No one threw up in the recovery room. I did have a panic attack when I woke up. I could hear the woman right next to me snoring and the nurse came in and asked me if I was in pain. I said no, I'm having a panic attack and I'm leaving. They didn't want me to leave, but they finally took out my IV, gave me my cracker and let me go to the bathroom. They have probably never seen anyone leave recovery so fast in their entire careers.

I had a very small amount of Stage 1 endo on my left ovary which the Dr. was able to remove with the laser. My tubes were all clear. She did drill my right ovary. It's my understanding drilling improves hormone levels. She told Chris after the surgery that I was "uber" fertile for the next 3 months. Really? Me? A fertile? I love being called that. I really had no pain at all from the surgery itself. The worst part was a blister from the tape that covered my entire stomach.

Friday night my back started hurting. By Monday I could barely walk my back hurt so bad. I went to the chiropractor and he took an Xray and an old back injury has flared up and is pinching a nerve. My right kidney was also inflamed, but they weren't concerned about that. He said it was probably from being slung around on the tables during surgery and laying flat on my back and my RE agreed. It took until Wednesday before I had any pain relief and even now my right leg is still kind of numb. But the chiro said it would take a while to get everything back in alignment. I have exercises to do at home, and I will be going for adjustments and "therapy" (massage! paid for by insurance! woohoo!) a couple of times a week for a while.

The week after surgery, Chris had a continuing education class in Nashville, we had a rehearsal dinner in Lebanon, we spent Friday night at the lake house, and Saturday we went to Evins Mill in Smithville for a wedding where I was the matron of honor. The wedding was gorgeous and deserves it's own post. I will try to do that when I get back home.

Right now I'm in Fredericksburg, Va. I found out a week ago Friday that Sunday after the wedding I had to fly to Richmond, then drive to Fredericksburg for a training class. The first thing I said when they told me we had to travel was "I'm not going if I'm ovulating!!!" I decided to go ahead and come to this week's training (it didn't fall during ovulation) so it's over with and we can focus on the next cycle without worrying about it falling during a training week.

As far as business trips go, it's been a very good trip. We're staying in downtown Fredericksburg which is a really neat place. I've been going out to dinner at fancy bistro's with Annette, who used to be my boss. It's nice to be taken out to dinner every night and have someone else pay. The food has been phenomenal, but I can't wait to get home Friday and see my hubby and I'm looking forward to the summer and my next cycle starting. I'm ready to get down to some serious baby making.