Is it just me or is anyone else embarrassed that it's not easy to get pregnant? When I got my first BFP when we'd only been married 2 months, I was so excited and I admit I was a little bit smug. We didn't tell everyone or blast it all over Facebook or anything, but we did tell our families and our closest friends. Chris was the one who was hesitant about telling everyone too soon, saying lots of things could go wrong in the first trimester. I was in total denial. It never occurred to me that anything would happen. I was basically just humoring him because it was what he wanted.
Then I had the miscarriage, and I was pretty open about it. So lots of people knew. And it was amazing how many people "came out" and said they'd had one of those, and don't worry it will happen again, it won't take long, blah, blah, blah. And now I sit here, 17 months later, no baby, not even pregnant. And I'm embarrassed. That I'm broken. That something that comes so naturally to some people that it happens "accidentally" can't happen for me with tons of medical intervention. (I still don't believe in accidental pregnancies, but that's an entirely different post.) That most everyone who started trying around the time we did, not only has a baby, but many are on their way to a second. That I seem to be the last of infertiles still waiting.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel very confident about this cycle. And I know I'll get to have a baby someday. Because we have a Plan B. My sister is willing to donate her eggs for me to carry, be a surrogate for our embryos, or do IUI with hubbies sperm, her eggs and carry it for us. But even that embarrasses me. I want to be the one to be pregnant. I want to experience all the things carrying a baby brings. I even want to be the one to experience birth. It's a natural thing, and I don't understand why I can't do it.
My Dad has always told me that I can do anything I want to do if I just put my mind to it. And I've always believed him. So it comes as quite a shock that I can't in fact do ANYTHING. No matter how much I want it, I can't make this happen. And I'm embarrassed.
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ICLW - My husband and I started TTC in September of 2008 (almost the same time you did!) and we're still waiting too. I will keep sending you positive thoughts for this month. We'll be doing our first IUI this month (appointment is today to see if I am getting ready to ovulate) and I have to admit I'm a little nervous.
Good luck to you!
ICLW - It is tough when you find out that everything isn't working like clockwork down there... In my case, especially when compared to my oh-so-very-fertile older sister... she just had her 3rd "oops" baby, while I've been TTC for 4 years now.
The disappointment doesn't get easier with each passing month, does it?
What DOES feel good is knowing that, of the things I can control, I am DOING something to make my body healthier, and preparing it as best I can to one day carry a baby. --My acupuncturist says it's to focus on "welcoming a baby into your womb"... as silly as it sounds, I like the idea.
Best of luck to you in your TTC journey~
Thanks for visiting my blog! I can relate to what you said about feeling embarassed that getting pg isn't easy. Like, why can't this most basic life function work? Good luck to you and hopefully your IUI will be successful!
Oh Hope, I'm sorry you are feeling embarrassed about this. I think a lot of our feelings regarding infertility are tied up with society's view of it. So many people don't regard infertility as a true medical condition. It's almost like they regard it as affecting our lifestyle than as affecting our passionate and very human desire to have a family. Well, dammit, infertility affects our very heart and soul not our lifestyle and we shouldn't have to feel embarrassed about it (rant isn't at you, rant is at the society that makes us feel that infertility is shameful). I hope and pray you have success soon. Good luck.
~ICLW#17
I feel you - I really rather be the one to be pregnant. I feel like my body has let me down as well. I've gotten to the point I'm *too* honest about my body, IF, and miscarriages people probably are scared.
Krystal - ICLW # 92
http://krysttc.blogspot.com/
Hang in there. Its a struggle that I deal with constantly. I can't deal with the fact that my body is "broken". Why me? blah, blah, blah. Dieseases are a crappy thing. Infertility is a disease. I cannot answer why it happens to good people like us, just like I can't explain why my 13 year old sister has congestive heart failure. Life is funny like that.
But we can't let it get us down, otherwise infertility wins. And we don't want that.
We will all have our chance. I pray for it every night!
Hang in there!
Ashlee, ICLW #180
I hear you! We're just dealing with our first (and hopefully last, please?) m/c, somewhere between 6 and 7w like you. Your smugness comment made me think of this song, which you may have heard, that someone shared with me right before our loss was confirmed: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJRzBpFjJS8. Enjoy and take care.
Jessica
petitpainintheoven.blogspot.com
I just came across your blog when i was cruising Mission:Motherhood's blog. I read through your run down and it sounds like we have alot in common. I've been trying since October 2008 as well, have had two pregnancies, no babies. Discovered PCOS through the process.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling like the last of the infertiles. We had dinner with a couple on Tuesday - when we started trying they were those people who were like, no way, we are definitley not ready for children, blah blah. Now they are due in two months and here I am, waiting for my beta to fall following my last mc (3 months ago!).
What gives me hope are friends of mine who have come before me and beaten the system. We have a friend who spent years trying, survived a miscarriage and eventually, with the help of IVF, gave birth to two adorable twins. And two years later she found herself pregnant again, no meds involved.
I know there is hope - but man it is still tough.
I look foward to following your blog! Good luck!
http://www.typeatriestoconceive.blogspot.com/